sending...
1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper (no! not Ovation, True Love, Hello and OK – they don’t do sports and news about what Drogba’s wife is wearing to SA is not what I have in mind!) so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Football, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse at the remote, you will lose it (one of your manicured nails).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor.
4. During the games I will be certified blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or some suya or chinchinga to munch on. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the phone or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor….it won’t happen!
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least a dozen star beers in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12AM and 6AM, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is loosing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to an unceremonious break up.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game (preferably any game involving North Korea) and you can talk to me during half time but only when the commercials are on, only if the half time score is pleasing to me or when those so called foreign experts and commentators start describing African teams as “naïve defensively” and “lack discipline” .
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I haven’t seen them; I want to see them again, and again, and again.
9. Don’t forget to tell your 1 million strong extended family that I will be European during the tournament; that means they will have to phone in advance before visiting and if they do phone tell them we have travelled. Tell the Uncles and Aunties obsessed with the after life to hold off their visit until after July 11th; I will not be attending any funerals neither will I be going to a 100 meetings to decide what colour coffin Uncle this and that want to go in! Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or “out doorings”, traditionals/weddings or any other gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go and
c. I will not go
10. But, if the electricity “expectantly” goes AWOL in our house and I have to do a Louise Hamilton across town on the wrong side of the road to my brother’s generator powered house, I expect you to be ready in 5 minutes flat (that’s not bad considering Hamilton’s mechanics only need 10 seconds to change his tyres). I need you to have a smile on your face, just like all the slender pretty women do at any FORMULA 1 race as we drive to my brother’s. I don’t expect you to be slender like them in 5 minutes; that I have given up hope on.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this….why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” because, the reply will be, “Refer to Rule number 2 on this list”.
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the African Cup of Nations, Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, CONCAF, FA Cup, Euro Cup etc
PS: By the way if you get stuck on the road, for once I implore you to speak to strange men to ask for help and yes that includes the machete wielding “area boys” masquerading as neighbourhood security.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Author: As I haven’t managed to muster the courage to send this to my wife yet, it is probably wise to sign this letter off as anonymous 
