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Column: Secret Diary of a New Business Surviving Nigeria

Start my own Business, or Die Trying…

Day 30: The task of furnishing my new flat begins. The mission is to make it homely as soon as I can so I hire a painter to paint the walls and a carpenter to seal the holes in the walls until I can find a good reason to dip into my budget to buy air conditioners to fill the holes. Business is looking good so I may as well start making a life for myself. The painter tells me its N8,000 per drum for white paint and so I give him N32,000 for four drums of paint to start the job.

DAY 31: I get a text from dear old pa telling me he has decided not to use my services and my bank sends me a text telling me dear old pa’s cheque bounced.

DAY 32: I have no appointments today so I am going to do some housekeeping and get the painter to finish painting my home office. I also get the carpenter to build me a table and chair for my office so that I can get business going. The painter is out of paint again today so I get my PA to drive us to the paint shop. To my surprise the paint my painter has been buying for N8,000 is actually N4,000. Without letting on to the thieving painter I get my PA to drive us to the police station to report the matter to the police.

After tipping the policeman N3,000 I am able to get the painter to return N9,500 of the N16,000 he stole from me. I continue to yell at the painter demanding he gives me what is left of the N16,000. I threaten I’ll get the policeman to put him in a cell.

The policeman calls me aside and reprimands me saying “Madam this is your fault! Nobody gives workers money to buy materials and does not expect to be cheated. This is Nigeria (TIN)! You must eat where you work!!” So…this painter’s offence is not that he inflated the price of the paint it is that he inflated it too much!!!” I look at the policeman Iike he is mad but he continues “Madam… let the painter follow you back home and finish painting your house.” I am reluctant to do this but I can see the policeman does not buy my argument that jailing the painter would teach him and other workers a lesson in honesty and make Nigeria a better place.

As we return to the interrogation room where the thieving painter is sitting the police yells at him “Oya! Stand there!! Let me take your picture’’ The police man then points his phone at the painter and takes his picture. He then turns to the painter and says “Look my friend! You will follow this madam back to her house and paint it like your head is correct!! Do you hear me?!” He looks at the painter as if expecting a reply. The painter replies promptly “Yes sa!” The policeman nods his head in satisfaction “If I hear otherwise…” the policeman says shaking his head and stamping his feet as if to emphasise his point then in a low tone he says “I have taken your picture” and then with an unexpected loud voice he yells “If you mess up… I will declare you wanted in this Lagos state!!”

The painter falls on the floor holding on to the policeman’s legs to show gratitude to him for not putting him behind bars and then as an afterthought turns to me and hurriedly repeats “thank you ma! Thank you ma!!”. Somehow I feel like there is an unspoken understanding between the policeman and the thieving painter. When we get home the painter tells me he is going to fetch two of his other painters to help him paint the house quickly. An hour later he has not returned so I call him to find out where he is and he replies “madam I am not coming back today, you have stressed me! If I come today I don’t even know what to paint, I will come tomorrow.” In annoyance I hang up the phone, and called the policeman to report the painter but the policeman is not surprised even though he acts like he is. He growls “is that so! I will declare him wanted in Lagos state!!!” Then in a low tone says “Eh madam what you will do now is call another painter…” What do you know I have been cheated by the painter and the policeman!